How I Saw Eternity in 124 Days

*A re-post from the archives in remembrance of my sweet "nephew" Jayden on the one year anniversary of his passing into the arms of Jesus.*

I hope you have seen the video my cousins made in celebration of their sweet baby Jayden, who went home to be with the Lord after 124 days of life here on this earth.  If you have not, please watch it first here before reading this post.

As I mentioned in that post, there are so many things I want to say about the experience of loving and losing Jayden.  God gave him to our family for a short time, but for a great purpose.  Part of Jayden's purpose was surely to change me.  In honor of him, I want to share with you how God used this precious baby to do that.

Before Jayden was even born, he began to change me.  During Christina's pregnancy, we were made aware of some concerns the doctors had about how Jayden was developing in utero.  Each time a concern was raised, we prayed and God removed the issue.  At the next sonogram, the concern would be gone!  Through Jayden, I learned how to really pray- fervent, unceasing, faith filled and unselfish prayers.  And because of him, I learned that God does still heal!  I saw Him miraculously heal JJ not once but twice. 

When Jayden was born and all seemed well, I was overjoyed!  When I saw his precious face in photos for the first time, the tears of thankfulness flowed.  Even now, as I look back, I thank God my cousins had a month of typical life with a newborn.  I pray that God has engraved the sweetness of that time on their hearts forever.

One afternoon, when JJ was about a month old, I got a phone call from Christina to let me know they were on their way to the hospital and to ask for prayer for Jayden.  Once again, it was time to persevere in prayer.  Through the ups and downs and the lack of answers from the doctors, Jayden taught me how to press on in prayer and to trust God with the result.  His life forced me to put my faith in action.  Do I really believe that with God all things are possible?  Do I really believe that God’s plan is perfect?

When God made a way for my cousins to bring Jayden home and I was able to meet him, I felt such great thankfulness for the opportunity.  Holding him for those brief moments were a gift I will never forget nor take for granted.  I will never forget his beautiful eyes, his round cheeks, his sweet smile and of course how he looked just like his daddy. 

During my visit, my cousins held a beautiful prayer service for Jayden.  I will never forget how they purposed to keep the mood light yet prayerful and reverent.  Their grace and peace spoke volumes to those of us looking on- both believers and non-believers.  As a believer, I was encouraged to see that God does indeed give special grace in our time of need.  And those who don’t believe saw a faith that was real, and how God could be loved, honored and glorified even as one walks through pain and fear.

When I got the phone call I had been praying against for so long, my heart broke.  But Jayden’s life and my cousins' response to his life and his death, once again taught me.  I learned, really learned, that life is a vapor.  This is not just head knowledge for me anymore.  Instead I feel that truth now with an ache in my heart.  My eyes have been opened to see that not one of us is promised tomorrow.  I have had to experience what that feels like and to watch my loved ones suffer because of it.  I have been forced to acknowledge how I have taken the precious gift of life for granted.  I have been inspired to change that- to become one who appreciates each moment of life- my own and my loved ones- as a gift. 

My cousins' determination to honor God by celebrating Jayden’s life despite their pain was beautiful!  Once again, I saw Him give them the special grace to do just that at JJ's Celebration of Life service.  From the music they chose, to the words of the pastor, to the incredible video, to Christina’s unscripted appeal onstage to all to come to know God, to the release of 124 balloons in celebration of his 124 days of life, they set the tone of celebration and faith in the midst of suffering and sorrow.  They lifted God and His goodness above all else and, in doing so, set an example for all of us who believe and planted a seed in the hearts of those who do not.

The truth is, I wish with everything in me, that Jayden was still with us.  That our prayers had been answered differently and I could have rejoiced to watch him toddling through my cousins' yard as we enjoyed our annual week together in the summer.  I mourn with them.  I weep with them.  But praise God that we do not grieve like those who have no hope!  We know where JJ is- in the arms of our Jesus.  And we know that he is healed and whole.  We know that we will see him again- and this time it will not be for a vapor but for eternity.

I don’t know how to do this.  How to grieve a sweet little cousin.  How to love my cousins well.  How to minister at this time.  I only know this.  That I love my cousins and their family so very much.  And that He loves them exceedingly and abundantly more than I ever could.  So I simply trust that they will come through this stronger and more equipped to do His will.  And I ask Him to give me what I need to be there for them.  

Thank you, Christina and Jason, for sharing Jayden with me.  I am forever changed because of him!

How I Saw Eternity in 124 Days

I hope you have seen the video my cousins made in celebration of their sweet baby Jayden, who went home to be with the Lord after 124 days of life here on this earth.  If you have not, please watch it first here before reading this post.

As I mentioned in that post, there are so many things I want to say about the experience of loving and losing Jayden.  God gave him to our family for a short time, but for a great purpose.  Part of Jayden's purpose was surely to change me.  In honor of him, I want to share with you how God used this precious baby to do that.

Before Jayden was even born, he began to change me.  During Christina's pregnancy, we were made aware of some concerns the doctors had about how Jayden was developing in utero.  Each time a concern was raised, we prayed and God removed the issue.  At the next sonogram, the concern would be gone!  Through Jayden, I learned how to really pray- fervent, unceasing, faith filled and unselfish prayers.  And because of him, I learned that God does still heal!  I saw Him miraculously heal JJ not once but twice. 

When Jayden was born and all seemed well, I was overjoyed!  When I saw his precious face in photos for the first time, the tears of thankfulness flowed.  Even now, as I look back, I thank God my cousins had a month of typical life with a newborn.  I pray that God has engraved the sweetness of that time on my cousins' hearts forever.

One afternoon, when JJ was about a month old, I got a phone call from Christina to let me know they were on their way to the hospital and to ask for prayer for Jayden.  Once again, it was time to persevere in prayer.  Through the ups and downs and the lack of answers from the doctors, Jayden taught me how to press on in prayer and to trust God with the result.  His life forced me to put my faith in action.  Do I really believe that with God all things are possible?  Do I really believe that God’s plan is perfect?

When God made a way for my cousins to bring Jayden home and I was able to meet him, I felt such great thankfulness for the opportunity.  Holding him for those brief moments were a gift I will never forget nor take for granted.  I will never forget his beautiful eyes, his round cheeks, his sweet smile and of course how he looked just like his daddy. 

During my visit, my cousins held a beautiful prayer service for Jayden.  I will never forget how they purposed to keep the mood light yet prayerful and reverent.  Their grace and peace spoke volumes to those of us looking on- both believers and non-believers.  As a believer, I was encouraged to see that God does indeed give special grace in our time of need.  And those who don’t believe saw a faith that was real, and how God could be loved, honored and glorified even as one walks through pain and fear.

When I got the phone call I had been praying against for so long, my heart broke.  But Jayden’s life and my cousins' response to his life and his death, once again taught me.  I learned, really learned, that life is a vapor.  This is not just head knowledge for me anymore.  Instead I feel that truth now with an ache in my heart.  My eyes have been opened to see that not one of us is promised tomorrow.  I have had to experience what that feels like and to watch my loved ones suffer because of it.  I have been forced to acknowledge how I have taken the precious gift of life for granted.  I have been inspired to change that- to become one who appreciates each moment of life- my own and my loved ones- as a gift. 

My cousins' determination to honor God by celebrating Jayden’s life despite their pain was beautiful!  Once again, I saw Him give them the special grace to do just that at JJ's Celebration of Life service.  From the music they chose, to the words of the pastor, to the incredible video, to Christina’s unscripted appeal onstage to all to come to know God, to the release of 124 balloons in celebration of his 124 days of life, they set the tone of celebration and faith in the midst of suffering and sorrow.  They lifted God and His goodness above all else and, in doing so, set an example for all of us who believe and planted a seed in the hearts of those who do not.

The truth is, I wish with everything in me, that Jayden was still with us.  That our prayers had been answered differently and I could have rejoiced to watch him toddling through my cousins' yard as we enjoyed our annual week together in the summer.  I mourn with them,.  I weep with them.  But praise God that we do not grieve like those who have no hope!  We know where JJ is- in the arms of our Jesus.  And we know that he is healed and whole.  We know that we will see him again- and this time it will not be for a vapor but for eternity.

I don’t know how to do this.  How to grieve a sweet little cousin.  How to love my cousins well.  How to minister at this time.  I only know this.  That I love my cousins and their family so very much.  And that He loves them exceedingly and abundantly more than I ever could.  So I simply trust that they will come through this stronger and more equipped to do His will.  And I ask Him to give me what I need to be there for them.  

Thank you, Christina and Jason, for sharing Jayden with me.  I am forever changed because of him!

By Faith

You may remember that last January I started the Bible in 90 Days challenge with my friend, Andrea.  It was a wonderful experience, and one I hope to repeat in the future.  However, in keeping with my mission of limiting as much pressure as possible from my daily schedule to focus on this first year of homeschooling, I decided to take on a less daunting but hopefully just as fulfilling task this January.  While Andrea reads the Bible in 90 Days again, I am reading The Story in 90 Days.  We started on Monday and are holding one another accountable for keeping up with our daily reading through regular texts and encouragement.    


In case you are not familiar with The Story, it is basically a chronological compilation of all the major stories, prophecies, psalms and proverbs of the Bible.  It does not include every scripture verse in the Bible, but all of the prose in The Story are word for word verses from the NIV Bible.  The purpose of The Story is to tell the narrative of God and His people, making "the insistent claim that a loving God has sought you and provided a way of redemption- a way for you to enter a relationship with Him." (p. ix)


This morning as I began reading about Abraham, these verses really ministered to me and where I am in my faith journey right now:

"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God."  Hebrews 11: 8-10

"Abram believed the LORD, and he credited it to him as righteousness."  Genesis 15: 6 

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it had been said to him, “So shall your offspring be."  Romans 4:18

"Yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God, being fully persuaded that God had power to do what he had promised."  Romans 4: 20-21   

Biblical faith is not mere head knowledge.  It is not intellectual assent to the existence of God.  After all, even the demons believe- and shudder!   Biblical faith is obedience no matter the cost.  It is going where you are called, even when you do not know where you are going.  It is living as a nomad, never setting down immovable roots, so as to be ready to go when called at a moment's notice.  It is believing with hopeful expectation in the promises of God, even when the circumstances look to be against all hope.  It is unwavering.  It is being fully persuaded in His power.  It gives glory to God in the midst of pain, fear and confusion.  It is looking forward to that city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God.    


Abraham and Sarah had reason to fear, but they had bigger faith.  My cousins have sorrow and pain, but they have bigger faith.  I have had times of fear, sorrow, confusion and pain.  And I am learning to walk by bigger faith.  A faith that is bigger than all these feelings.  A faith that is hopeful, expectant, ready and willing, and glorifies God.  A Biblical faith.  As I journey, I am thankful for the examples of faith from the Word and from this life.  And I am thankful for my God who is always FAITHFUL to nudge me along in my walk of faith, bringing me ever closer to that city with foundations.  

A Gift from His Heart

*Forgive me if you subscribe to both of my blogs, you will see this post twice today.  I wrote it for my new homeschooling blog but I realized it was appropriate to post here, too, as the content is mostly about how God is speaking to me in this season.*

As our book club was drawing to a close last Saturday morning, my sweet friend handed me a book entitled Homeschool Supermom...NOT!  When Grace Meets Homeschooling by Susan Kemmerer.  She said it was a gift (along with an iPhone arm band thingy I wanted for the Couch to 5 K madness she has gotten me wrapped up in, but that's another post entirely.)  I thought it was such a kind gesture- don't you love it when you get a tangible blessing reminding you that someone is thinking of you?

Thursday afternoon, as the kids swam away the afternoon, I sat on our back patio and read Chapter 1 of Homeschool Supermom.  And I quickly realized that the book was not just a gift from my friend's heart to mine but one that was also straight from His heart!  Right from those first few pages, I could see that God was going to use this book to speak to me about several different thoughts/concerns I've been mulling over as of late.

Let me back up to Wednesday and explain.  Wednesday was a bad day here.  A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  I'll spare you the details but by lunchtime I had yelled so much my voice was hoarse and the kids were wide eyed with alarm.  By bedtime, I was ready to join in with the chorus of tears from my overtired kids.  Late Wednesday night, lying awake in bed while the rest of the family slumbered, all I could think was "what was I thinking?  How can I homeschool these children?  Is it too late to call the school and get them signed up for next year?  But what about all the money we've spent on homeschool materials?"  Sleep was slow in coming, needless to say.

Today I read this in Homeschool Supermom:

"If you're feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, ashamed, and burnt out, keep this in mind: putting your kids back in school or hiring a maid might make life easier- for a time- but it will not ultimately make you happier or more righteous before God, nor will it accomplish the changes in your life and family that you really desire... Only a heart focused on Jesus and what He accomplished on the cross on our behalf will ever experience true, lasting joy- even when the house is a wreck and school remains undone."

That encouragement was like water to a dry soul.  And there was plenty more encouragement and wisdom sprinkled throughout the short chapter. 

And speaking of my dry soul, that leads me to the next reason I love this book already.  Each chapter ends with questions to ponder and scriptures on which to meditate.  Since summer began, bringing with it a new routine, my morning prayer/scripture time has become less regular and somewhat stale.  Now I'm planning on using this feature of Homeschool Supermom in my morning Quiet Time and I am already feel excited about it again!

The last wonderful nugget I took away from Chapter 1 was actually a confirmation of concepts  God has been teaching me lately.  Remember that book club I mentioned at the start of this post?  We had been reading and discussing Authentic Relationships: Discover the Lost Art of One Anothering by Wayne Jacobsen and Clay Jacobsen.  One of the themes we discussed was how to be genuine, authentic, transparent in friendships- to allow people to see beyond the image into our real selves.  A favorite quote from this book:

"Our fear of letting people see beyond the image we want to project denies us the friendships for which we hunger."  Authentic Relationships

 And from Homeschool Supermom:

"...behind closed doors, there lurks a secret.  There's another side we seldom let anyone see. It's our messy homes and messy lives being worked out in the messy process of sanctification.  It's called 'our humanity.'"

I was reminded this afternoon, that I want to be genuine and real.  So many sweet friends have encouraged me already in this homeschool journey- sharing how they wish they could do it and how wonderful they think I am for doing this thing called homeschooling.  But the truth is, I am not all that wonderful.  I am not a Supermom by any stretch of the imagination.  Exhibit A- Wednesday at my house.  I'm simply a mom who feels led to give this homeschooling thing a try- willing to offer up my weaknesses as well as my gifts to God and see what He makes of it all.  If we continue on this homeschool journey after a year, it will be only by His grace.  If our journey ends after one year at home, that too then will be only by His grace. 

His Hand

As we researched and prayed about homeschooling, God opened doors to give us the confidence we needed to make our decision in the end.  I want to remember how He led us in this process, have a record of it, for those days when I question it all.  

About two months had passed since T and I had begun to consider homeschooling again.  I was coming to the end of the women's Bible study I was involved in at church, Breaking Free.  As a result of the small group discussions in this study, a friend and I decided to be accountability partners over the issues from which we were each committing to "break free."  Jen also just so happened to be one of the homeschooling moms at church that with whom I had always been friendly.  As the weeks went on, Jen and I would communicate frequently as accountability partners and I also began to ask her about homeschooling, sharing with her why we were considering it again.  Jen is a wealth of homeschooling information and teaching is her passion so she was happy to share her experience and wisdom with me.  Best of all, she understood where I was coming from and never pushed homeschooling as the only way to educate our children.  Over the course of a few weeks, with prayer, Jen's guidance and input from several other homeschooling moms I respect, I came up with a plan I was excited about implementing.      

We hadn't told anyone in our families, assuming the reaction would be negative.  One evening, after a particularly long and teary homework session, I was on the phone with my mom lamenting about the situation as I stirred a pot of chili on the stove.  She listened and sympathized with me and then to my utter amazement, my mom asked if I would ever consider homeschooling.  I was literally dumbstruck.  All these weeks, I had been wanting to share this possibility and all my thoughts and research about homeschooling with my mom but had chosen not to yet.  I assumed her reaction would be negative and I did not want it to sway the process.  And then she goes and suggests it to me!  Of course, I shared with her that, yes, we were already considering it.

Not long after that conversation, my parents came for a visit and my dad asked about the homeschooling idea.  He was less enthusiastic than my mom but not adamantly opposed, either.  In the course of our conversation that afternoon, my mom offered to come one afternoon a week to stay with the kids while I took time for myself if we went ahead and home-schooled next year.  That simple offer of tangible support, whether she will actually be able to do it or not, was such an encouragement to me!

When T shared our decision with his sisters recently, one was encouraging while the other was less enthusiastic but not overtly negative.  This was similar to my own sister's reaction.  Our close friends have been supportive, even though to many, the idea of homeschooling is foreign.

Our boys are looking forward to it and our daughter is excited to start Kindergarten.  T has offered to teach the boys science!

I still have to speak to the administration at school to inform them of our decision.  It's silly but I am afraid to do it.  As I've shared, our school experience has been so positive that this last announcement will make it all final.  And, truth be told, it's a little frightening.  Like cutting the apron strings or something- lol!  But it would not be stepping out in trust if there were not an element or at least the perception of danger, would it?  So, very soon, I'll take a deep breath, put faith before fear and let the cat out of the bag at school!

Detour

As you may be aware, I had started writing a series of posts on all I've learned from Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible Study and how I've applied that knowledge to my life.  I just realized that my last post in the series was almost a month ago!  I do plan on finishing the series here in the near future.  I still want to share about the last set of lies and truths God revealed to me through this study.  However, with the illnesses running through my family this past several weeks and keeping up with my Bible in 90 Days reading, the truth is that I have little time to pray and reflect on Breaking Free lately.  I'm on a little detour, if you will, along Freedom Road.    


I had an experience recently, though, that really blessed me and is related to this journey to freedom I have been walking as of late.  As I was preparing to give my testimony at a Bible study I attend, I asked my husband what some of the biggest changes he has seen in me since I became a Christian.  To my delight, he responded instantly that I react less out of anger when we disagree and I am a better listener and problem solver.  As I prayed and prepared my testimony, I heard God whisper over and over, "if the Son has set you free, you are free indeed.  I have set you free already.  Enjoy your freedom.  Walk in it.  Accept it.  You are never going to be perfect and I am not expecting that."  And I have been doing that and it has been a sweet time for me.  


This is not to say that my struggle with anger is over and I don't need to continue to seek God over it.  I know I will need to come back to His truth on this issue again and again.  He did not reveal all He has to over this issue for naught.  Rather, I just feel a true sense of peace right now and a release from the need to strive for freedom.  And it has been just what I needed!        

What I Did This Morning!

On Wednesday mornings, I attend a wonderful Women's Bible study at a local church.  I've been going on and off since the time I became a Christian about nine years ago.  The morning begins with the entire group of women in the chapel with worship followed by a sister sharing her testimony.  Then we all split into small groups for the Bible study.  Through the years, I've been asked a few times to share my own testimony and I always seemed to find an excuse not to do so.  When I was approached this year, though, I felt God prompting me to say yes.  Since I had most of it written out in a series of posts I wrote for this blog last year, I simply had to tweak that a little and pray for the courage to share.  I approached the podium this morning in peace, covered in the prayers of several ladies whom I had asked to pray.  I truly enjoyed the experience of sharing how God first poured His grace out on me!  I pray it brought Him glory and blessed the ladies who were listening.


I thought it might be fun to share my testimony again here- complete with the tweaks that I think make my story more full.  It's been hectic in our home recently with all of us taking turns getting sick and though I have many new thoughts swirling in my head just waiting to become blog posts, I just have not found the time yet.  I miss this place, though, so I wanted to stop in briefly to share my joy!

How Sean Hannity Led Me to the Lord- Part One
How Sean Hannity Led Me to the Lord- Part Two
How Sean Hannity Led Me to the Lord- Part Three

Victory March

Photo Credit

This is the sixth post in a series I'm writing about what I gleaned from Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study.  If you'd like to read this series from the beginning, click here.  Or here is a list of the first five posts in order:  

• Freedom Road
• Taking the First Step
• The Path to Grace
• Walking Through Brokenness
• A Solitary Trek?

The first two posts give some more background information on my story and the tools I am using to have victory, so be sure to check them out if you are new to this series.  The rest of the posts might not make much sense without the context from the first two.  

The next category of lies that God revealed to me through this study have to do with experiencing freedom and victory.  These lies are a bit different from the others I've shared in that they usually emerge after I've vented my anger not before, in moments of dejection and sorrow.  Here's how these lies sound in my head: 

• Victory is not for me
• I'll never be able to overcome these obstacles
• I've tried all this before, why would it work now?
• I'll never break free from this sin
• Freedom is not for me

An honest look at these lies revealed the following:

• I have not truly believed what God's Word says about my position in Christ- victorious and free
• I am doubting God's power to set me free and to empower me to be "more than a conquerer"
• I'm allowing setbacks and defeat to overwhelm my hope

Here's what the Word has to say about my lies (for the sake of brevity, I'll list only the references here):

• Romans 8:37
• Isaiah 61:1
• Philippians 1: 6
• John 8: 31-32
• John 8:36
• 2 Corinthians 3: 17
• Galatians 5: 1
• Hebrews 7: 25

These are the verses I have been praying  and meditating on to fill my mind with truth about my inheritance from Christ- freedom and victory.  And He has been faithful to bring them to mind in moments of stress to tear down the lies I mentioned above, which would otherwise lead to defeat.  


Last week was hard and I must admit to living in defeat for much of it.  My index cards remained in their pretty case while I vented my anger and held bitterness in my heart.  My heart is not yet steadfast but He is.  And because of Him, I can get back up and get back to fighting for freedom.

This is the sixth in a series of posts.  You can find the first five posts by following the following links:

• Freedom Road (the first post in the series)
• Taking the First Step (the second post in the series)
• The Path to Grace (the third post in the series)
• Walking Through Brokenness (the fourth post in the series)
• A Solitary Trek? (the fifth post in the series)

And a related post:

• What's in a Name?

A Solitary Trek?

Photo Credit

This is the fifth post in a series I'm writing about what I gleaned from Beth Moore's Breaking Free Bible study.  If you'd like to read this series from the beginning, click here.  Or here is a list of the first four posts in order:  

• Freedom Road
• Taking the First Step
• The Path to Grace
• Walking Through Brokenness

The first two posts give some more background information on my story and the tools I am using to have victory, so be sure to check them out if you are new to this series.  The rest of this post might not make much sense without the context from the others.  

The next category of lies that God revealed to me through this study have to do with my relationship with Him.  Here's how these lies sound in my head when anger builds.  

• I'm all alone in this
• No one understands me or this situation
• God is not willing to help me

An honest look at these lies revealed the following:

• I am not believing that God is always with me
• I am not believing that He would never abandon me
• I am not believing that He would never forsake me

Here's what the Word has to say about my lies (for the sake of brevity, I'll list only the references here):

• Psalm 46: 1
• Isaiah 43: 2
• Isaiah 41: 10
• Deuteronomy 31: 8
• Hosea 6: 3
• Psalm 27: 10
• Psalm 32: 8
• Deuteronomy 33: 27
• Isaiah 54: 10
• Joshua 1: 9
• Zephaniah 3: 17

These are the verses I have been praying  and meditating on to fill my mind with truth about God's presence and faithfulness.  And He has been faithful to bring them to mind in moments of stress to tear down the lies I mentioned above, which would lead to defeat.  Of course, the verses I am using to combat these lies are just a small taste of all of God's promises to be with us through this life.  If you have a favorite I did not mention, please share!

This is the fifth post in a series of posts.  You can find the first four posts by following the following links:

• Freedom Road (the first post in the series)
• Taking the First Step (the second post in the series)
• The Path to Grace (the third post in the series)
• Walking Through Brokenness (the fourth post in the series)

And a related post:

• What's in a Name?

Afraid of Man?

I'm reading the Bible from cover to cover in 90 Days.  Is that not crazy???  I have tried to read the entire BIble in a year only to fizzle out by February, if not sooner.  But here I am, 18 days in and in the book of Judges already!  When I started this challenge, I was doubtful I would finish. Now I am certain I will!  Reading along with my sweet friend, Andrea, has been a huge motivator as I know at some point each day we will text back and forth about the day's reading.  We're having lots of fun laughing through the dry parts, asking questions and keeping each other accountable.


Each day, Amy posts the day's readings and a SOAP devotional.  I have to admit that I just started reading the devotionals a few days ago but they are great!  This morning as I was reading about Gideon in Judges 6, a verse jumped out at me.  Or I should say a verse convicted me.  Amy was unable to post a SOAP devotional today and invited us to write our own.  Right away, I knew I wanted to dig deeper with this verse.  So here goes...


Scripture:

So Gideon took ten of his servants and did as the LORD told him. But because he was afraid of his family and the townspeople, he did it at night rather than in the daytime. Judges 6: 27

Observation:
Fear of man can be so strong that even one who saw and spoke with the Angel of the Lord face to face and saw a miracle from his hand will do his worship and service in secret to avoid what his family and friends might do or say.


Application: 
God wants me to let go of the fear of what my family or friends might say about me or do to me and to walk in the freedom of His plan for me.  As we continue to contemplate a big decision, I am convicted as I consider this verse.  While it is wise to get a clear answer from the Lord before making a big decision public, I have also simply been reluctant to discuss this decision with family and friends because I am "afraid" of their possible negative response.  I need to trust His plan and that He will make our paths straight as we trust Him and live life in broad daylight, in full view of friends and family.  He has even been so good as to show me how He is working in the hearts of family members to accept this possible decision, even as they are unaware of it!  (By the way, thank you for bearing with my vague posts on this topic, I promise to share as soon as we are decided!)


Prayer:
Father, thank You for Your Word which never returns void.  Thank You for speaking to me through Your Word in a personal way.  I am amazed at how such a mighty and awesome God would desire to be intimate with little old me!  Lord, help me to put aside the fear of man.  GIve me boldness to live life in broad daylight and full view of friends and family.  Give me Your Words of life and hope to share with those around me who need You.  In Jesus' name, amen.

Taking the First Step

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"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."                                                        Lao-tzu, Chinese philosopher 

As I promised in this post, I am going to share the lies I've believed that have contributed to my bondage to unrighteous anger and the truths I've gleaned from the Word to combat those lies.  I pray that sharing my struggle will serve to help any who share it to learn they are not alone, to give them the boldness to bring their sin out into the light, to illustrate how to break free (even as I am learning) and to give glory to the Son- for if He sets you free, you are FREE INDEED! 


To uncover my lies, I prayerfully sought the Lord both during my daily quiet times and in the moments of stress when I felt anger building inside.  One of the first categories of lies the Lord helped me identify have to do with strength, power, trust and peace.  (I'll share the others in future posts.)  Here are how the lies sound in my head when anger builds:

• I can't do this anymore
• I can't handle this
• I can't deal with this
• This is too much for me
• I'm too weary
• I'm too sad
• I'm too weak

Do any of these sound familiar to you?  Obviously they can fuel a multitude of sins not just unrighteous anger.


An honest look at these lies revealed the following:

• I am unaware of the Source of true strength
• I am ignorant as to how to access this power when I need it
• I allow difficult emotions to control my actions when I should trust them to Him.

Uncovering and understanding these lies are only the first step to freedom.  The lies must then be torn down and replaced with truth.  Not simple mantras or pep talks, but Truth.  This requires time and effort.  I sat down with a spiral bound pack of index cards, my Bible, a concordance, a pen and some highlighters and combed through the Word.  I looked up every Scripture that had the word strength in it and wrote those that applied to my circumstances into the index card pack, each on it's own card.  I underlined and highlighted the key words in each scripture.  I also added other Scriptures I already had memorized that would combat the above lies.  And I add scriptures as I come across them in my quiet times or reading blogs.  Here's what I've come up with (for the sake of brevity, I'll list only the references here):

• Philippians 4:13
• Isaiah 41: 10
• Psalm 119: 28
• 2 Corinthians 12: 5
• Habakkuk 3: 19
• Isaiah 40: 29-31
• Isaiah 30: 15
• Psalm 105: 4
• Psalm 84: 6-7
• Psalm 73: 26
• Psalm 29: 11
• Psalm 28: 7
• Nehemiah 8: 10
• 2 Samuel 22:33
• 1 Corinthians 10: 13
• 2 Peter 1: 3-5
• 2 Corinthians 9: 8

Everyday, I pray these verses, asking God to write them on my heart, to make them my automatic thoughts when I feel angry.  I carry them with me so that I can pull them out and meditate on them when I need to.  And I am already noticing change!  It's only been about two weeks but I have several scriptures memorized already- just from the repeated exposure to them.  And He is bringing the scriptures to mind when I need them to combat the lies!

Am I free of these lies?  Of the bondage of unrighteous anger?  Not completely- yet!  I do believe I will be- for the first time ever- I do believe I will be!


To start from the beginning of this series, click here.  The next posts in this series:

• The Path to Grace
• Waking Through Brokenness

Related post:

• What's in a Name?

What's In a Name?

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Could I really dare to name this New Year?  

I know what He's been teaching me.  About Love and Grace.  


And I know this heart's longing.  For Liberty in Christ.  

Yet, my left brain warns against naming something without first being sure it is fitting.  Even as my right brain reminds me it is good sometimes to take a chance, even to make a mistake.

And His Word exhorts:

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, 
      Nor are your ways My ways,” says the LORD. 
“For as the heavens are higher than the earth, 
      So are My ways higher than your ways, 
      And My thoughts than your thoughts."  Isaiah 55: 8-9

And also: 

“Who has known the mind of the Lord? Or who has been his counselor?”  Romans 11: 34

While I silently debate the theological wisdom of the naming of a year, I have to laugh as He brings this to mind:

"What's in a name?  That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

Yes, I will dare to name this year.  I might be right.  And I could, as easily, be wrong.  But what's in a name anyway?  This year will be as sweet- right or wrong- because it will be the Lord's purpose that prevails in the end. 

Standing on the edge of this New Year then, I throw my arms open wide, tilt my head to the Son and shout it with abandon- this, the year of my Freedom!


To follow my journey to Freedom, check out this series.

Joining Emily in offering my Imperfect Prose to Him who makes it all smell sweet!