Thursday, October 21, 2010

Caught

A fog descends.  It's hard to see where I am.  Harder to know how I got here.  To this chasm deep.  Heartbeat quickens and chest tightens.  I grope around for the way out.  Fear rises in my throat, tears blind.  Panicked hands try to climb the steep, slippery walls to escape but to no avail.  I collapse in a heap.  Alone.  Cold.  Tired.  Tears turned to sobs.

Has He forgotten His promises?   Of freedom, joy, peace, abundant life.  Or has He forgotten me?  Even in this place, I know He is able.  The wavering of faith comes with the next question.  Is He willing... for me?  I can feel my heart shattering.

I don't ask Him.  Another has answered the question for me already.  And though my head knows this one is a liar and the father of lies, I believe him.  I rehearse His lies and forget the words of Truth.

Faithful friends and husband rebuke his lies.  Speak Truth to me.  Promise to stand in the gap in prayer for me.  I listen- wanting to believe.  But confusion, discouragement and dismay continue.  The lies come fast and furious now and speak of my ineffectiveness, question my salvation, encourage walking away.

But now he's gone too far.  I know I could never walk away, I'm caught in His grace.  And slowly the fog begins to dissipate.   And I begin to speak to Him.  Pouring out my heart.  Asking the hard questions, the why questions.  And He begins to answer.. with His own questions.  Challenging me root out some more things from my heart.  And to move some obstacles from my path...unbelief, pride, idolatry, prayerlessness, legalism.

He calls me to bow low so He can lift me up.  So, I do.  And He does.  Slowly and tenderly.  Binding my wounds, opening my eyes, mending my broken heart with His promises which are all yes and amen.




Joining Emily in celebrating redemption and making a theology of the arts through my imperfect prose.

7 comments:

Misty said...

my post is so similar to yours this morning it's almost scary (ha! i even mentioned dissipating fogs)

seriously, tho, b/cs i'm in such a similar p lace, these words are balm to me. it's true, i think, that i've been believing lies instead of him and refusing to stand on the grace i know is there.
thank you for the reminder.

Brian Miller said...

what a beautiful picture of redemption...and so easy to let the lies fool you...but then comes grace...

emily wierenga said...

caught in his grace...

oh, this life is hard, but we keep our eyes heavenward, and there, every promise resounds and fulfills... i love this, sister. keep believing. you're teaching us. xo

life or something like it said...

sometimes it feels like its so much easier to believe those lies. But then that lier doesn't know the FATHERS children very well, for he takes it too far, trys to sway us away, and we come to the Foundation that Christ has laid, and we stand firm!
Standing firm with you sister!

Jennifer @ Getting Down With Jesus said...

I've rehearsed those lies, too.

Thank you for your honest approach, and for sharing your questions.

May you continue to sense His mending.

alittlebitograce said...

oh me too! your post speaks so much as to where i'm at. but i can't walk away either...i've invested too much for too long to give up now. i can't turn my back on that much faith.

p.s i've been enjoying your radical posts. it's nice to see you here too. :)

Natalie said...

Wow, thank you all for reading and commenting! I am actually at the Relevant conference and have not had time to visit your blogs yet. I promise I will soon. I am sure I will be blessed by them :)

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